10K

i did my first official 10k last weekend… i DID it, i did not RUN it - i guess i ran about 4 of the 6.2 miles.  as i write this, i’m a bit discouraged about my running, but i am trying to keep my head up…

see, you have to realize, i don’t actually run - like when you think of people you see on the side of the road… i shuffle, jog, and i can’t run much more than 2 miles together (on a really good day)

people say all sorts of nice things- wow, i could never do that… so proud of you… - but i gotta tell you, i’m just slow - really slow.  So slow that i was that person at my race who has the police officers behind you. 

as i sit here, no, i don’ t want to run again - i’m going to keep training, but the race i wanted to run next, i would finish very close to the back of the pack again, and i just don’t think i can go into it knowing that.

say what you will about exercise and being committed - it sucks to be slow

a perfect memory

i have just had a wonderful evening with my daughters… fireworks at zionsville park…

i can remember going before we had emily - some church friends of ours tipped us off to it.  much better than lugging toddlers downtown to watch.  erin was so scared the first time that we covered her ears and to keep her from crying we had her yell “BANG” each time one of the fireworks went off.

today, erin made the deviled eggs that we ate at the park (she’s a good cook), and emily packed the cooler with all the other goodies (and then roamed around like the mother hen wondering what we might be forgetting).

when we first got to the park, it rained pretty hard.  we sat in the car for about 15 minutes and waited for it to pass.  i just kept crossing my fingers hoping that they wouldn’t give up and want to leave… and they didn’t.

we found our spot and set up camp while a mostly decent coverband did songs like, Take it easy (eagles), Change (sheryl crow) and Rocky Top - UT fight song - Go vols!

Only once did the girls ditch me - otherwise, i was part of the evening with them.  I understand why people struggle with teenagers, and i do struggle from time to time - but, nevermind the struggle - they are amazing!  why would anyone want to miss one single moment that they will allow you to be a part of!!

the last memory of the night was me sitting in my chair behind them, seeing erin’s curly hair and emily’s flowing hair lit up by the fireworks as they went off.

and… like their mom… they cheered. giggled - out loud, hands waving in the air - clapping, clapping…

like little girls, again…

epitaph

the past 8 weeks or so have left me in a deeply reflective state - not so much about myself, but for many around me - my husband, my brother, my children, my coworkers

which means, i've been listening to reflective music… wanted to share the lyrics to a song i love and hope endures until i die.  iris de ment is a folk/country singer (with the most unique voice you could ever hear)  i think i can type the lyrics from memory

My life, it don't count for nothing.

When I look at this world, I feel so small.

My life, it's only a season:

A passing September that no one will recall.

But I gave joy to my mother.

And I made my lover smile.

And I can give comfort to my friends when they're hurting.

And I can make it seem better for a while.

My life, it's half the way travelled,

And still I have not found my way out of this night.

An' my life, it's tangled in wishes,

And so many things that just never turned out right.

But I gave joy to my mother.

And I made my lover smile.

And I can give comfort to my friends when they're hurting.

And I can make it seem better,

I can make it seem better,

I can make it seem better for a while.

if that could be true of me in some small way, i will have lived the life i wanted to live.  especially the part about making it seem better for a while.

you probably won't like the song when you hear it because her voice is a bit of a train wreck, but as i watched her on ACL one night, i could not turn the channel. 

peace

where to start

… don't know where to start…

emily is officially out of school and headed to Disney at the end of next week

erin starts finals of her junior year next week

my job is still nuts, but there is hope as people step up and i get better at delegating

you'll have to look at bill's blog to see what's going on with him

i'm doing my second 5K of the season (and my newly resurrected running efforts) next weekend

there's more, so much more, but i can't imagine going into so much all at once… OH, got to spend time with amy palmer this weekend and i continue to be surprised by how she extends friendship so graciously.

peace to you all…

so much for availability

i'm trying not to despair -

you all know that my job is nuts.  i work for a nut.  we work in the nutty insurance industry.  my schedule is also nuts.

 and this week, we fired one of the 2 other people who does my job.  (cricket chirp, cricket chirp)

yes, that's the sound of me standing flat footed with my mouth hanging open.  what the hell am i going to do.  that may be just my first dramatic response, but reality hit today as i spent 7 hours at the office (with a 30 min lunch break) and only got through what had to be done for monday. 

i need some people to walk with me the next 8-12 weeks while we figure out what to do.  i need people to pray for my husband because we're going to have to have a new definition of partnership.

there is opportunity and i'm good at what i do - now, i have to find efficency.

to stay connected to my family, i'm going to get back into preparing the meals and doing the food shopping.  i know that sounds so silly, but working 50-60 challenges how much cooking you can actually do. 

stopping working is not currently an option - were our finances different, perhaps i could choose, but i also have this unique opportunity as i work with one of my best friends, bryan, who is also in my community, another gal in my community and about 12 other people who i have a great deal of love for.

i'm not going anywhere - i just need to figure out how to stay here and not come unglued.

love you all…

no

not that anybody asked me, but if someone asked if i thought it was a good idea for mark to move on now, i would say - no.

and if you asked me if i understand why things like this happen, i would say - no.

do i think that this is the way things ought to be? - no.

what about the idea that i believe God allowed this - no, i do not.

do i think that our prayers for him failed - no.

will his story be less powerful because he did not live or was not healed? no - absolutely not.

do i think we will see him again -

YES!

is that good enough to quiet my sadness about Mark's death? 

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weekends throw me

long weekends, especially - not that i’m having one this weekend…

i do better with things that have to get done (like work) than many things that could get done.  i used to be a teacher thinking that i would like summers off - but i didn’t - usually ended up thinking i was depressed or something. (oh, teachers don’t get summers off, by the way, they have to wrap up the previous year and prep for the next year)

so, today, i slept in a bit, got up, sent the girls on their way for some sister time for em’s b’day, did some yoga, watched “cheerleader nation” (first timer), 1.5 loads of laundry (so far), loaded and ran the dishwasher (forgot the 2 glasses sitting right here in front of the keyboard) and am now blogging.

we’re headed to friend’s house to watch bball around 5, so i have about 4 hours and 50 minutes to do all of the other things i could do.  utterly overwhelming.  and i do this every weekend. (well, that we aren’t having to do something else)

it’s probably why i enjoy working outside of the home more than at home - i feel like things have to get done, and i get them done, and that feels good.  at home, i don’t even know where to start.  there are so many things that need to get done, but time, finances, energy impact and they never seem to move to the have to get done category.

if you ask bill, he will say advice is futile - almost 20 yrs of it he’s given me. 

if i take a shower right now, and shave my legs, i might have just enough time to go have a pedicure…

totally useless

kids these days

on monday, i was on the computer (general family use downstairs) and erin had forgotten to log out of her AOL IM account. so i get a pop up window from psychoboy02 (which of course means that there are at least two others out there).

then the words pop up, “erin motherfu%*&n bean … how are you doing?”

i chuckled and said - “nope, erin’s mom here - how are you doing?” we actually had a nice minute and a half chat

everyone i’ve told this too says too bad i didn’t say “nope erin’s mother fu%*&n mother here” - oh well, not fast on my fingers.

erin and i laughed about it the next day - it’s hard to watch your children emerge into adults.  it’s easy to see why my mother FREAKED OUT!  she is every bit as wonderful as the youngest bean.  she keeps her struggles more to herself and, what i really admire is, when they peek out, she is honest about them.

peace to you and yours

lunch with a friend

had lunch with a friend today - some of you have met her… she is a long, tall drink of water.

she’s struggling right now to see how religion fits into things, not sure that “religion” is all that necessary. i almost agree with her - especially in the way she is thinking of it. she would probably use church and religion interchangeably, right now.

i asked her if it were possible that church/religion (in the way she is using it) is really just how man connects to man, not how man connects to God? by defining myself as someone who believes in jesus, really, i’m defining my connection to another person who believes (and, i would argue, largely serves identification purposes here on earth.) she seemed to “connect” with those thoughts.

i connect to God not necessarily “through” the church/religion. though the memorial service for chad did evoke a connected feeling in me. it seems like my connection to god comes through people and his word, primarily. in that way, i guess “religion” as defined by churches on the corner or denominations aren’t all that necessary for me.

by the way - the story that got me at the memorial was how Chad’s dad shaved him the first time and then for the last time - gone, i was gone.

were it not for people, left only with his word - i don’t think i would be able to continue this pursuit. i’m pretty confident of it.

(oh, and i’m not trying to be a theologian here, just some stream of consciousness stuff…)

hit the reset button

my counselor said recently that we underestimate the power of “starting over” that is part of the message of the gospel.  we don’t have to swim around in penance or feel badly, we can just hit the reset button.

so, i’m hitting the reset button on a few things - to start with, prioritizing my relationships.  this blog is part of that prioritization.